During times of big transitions in my life I have dreams with messages from the subconscious. These dreams come with a deep inner knowing that I need to pay attention to them, so I do take these seriously because I recognise the different vibrations they have.
Recently, I woke up in the early hours of the morning and struggled to fall asleep. When finally I was in between the wake and sleep stage, I saw a woman in period clothing looking at me with tears in her eyes speaking to me but no voice was coming out of her mouth. There was a silhouette of a man in the background.
Suddenly another woman replaced her and kept on changing with high speed like a shutter click image constantly changing to the next woman one after another. And each and everyone either was unable to speak or no voice was coming out. All the while the silhouette of the man remained the same. Until it all gradually faded and there was darkness.
I woke up with a deep inner knowing this was a message and asked, is it the end to the oppression of the feminine or surely not the end of women’s voice?
I fell back to sleep with the question out there.
As I went back to sleep, the dream continued, I dreamt that I was speaking and telling my story to the ones who were listening, mainly women and as I was doing so, women were lighting up from inside out one by one. My story will change others because it will resonate.
Telling my story is something which is out of my comfort zone because it makes me vulnerable and until now I did not know how to tell it without sounding like a victim or include the painful details. But I feel I am able to now because even if it helps one person, it sure will make a difference because in turn, that one person will influence another and so on.
"Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”
- Brené Brown
I come from a long line of intuitive women with psychic gifts, on my maternal lineage, also passed down to my children too but unfortunately, for most of my life I have been too fearful of these beautiful gifts to use them. You see, because I also inherited fear, shame, guilt and anxiety too. It felt like a double edged sword.
I have been on my healing journey since 2011, each transition has been bringing up different layers of trauma to clear quite intensely but the most intense which has opened me up to my vulnerability has been since spring of last year, after I ended my second relationship, this journey of understanding the role of vulnerability has been coming to its precipice since with the help of two beautiful women mentors helping me and guiding me through it.
I used to be fearful of it, I confused it with weakness. But experiencing it, made me realise that in fact, I also had courage buried deep inside. This journey made me see the real meaning of courage, being humble and how to be in my heart space and free my voice.
So I begin with a brief ancestral history.
My roots are Armenian - one of the oldest races on earth.
The bible says Noah’s Ark landed on our mount Ararat which we proudly boast about, unfortunately, this land has been out of reach for us Armenians. Another statement we boast proudly is the fact that we are the first as a nation to convert to Christianity. We were Pagans before that, as for me, in recent times I lead a more spiritual life.
I am the granddaughter of genocide survivors. My great grandparents apart from my maternal great grandmother, who survived and was such a strong woman who believed in the power of herbs, along with a million and a half of our race were massacred in WW1 when the word genocide did not even exist until much later. This, for all the Armenians, is a painful point in history because it is a genocide that has been denied by the perpetrators. Even at the present time, this painful unresolved history is repeating itself in Armenia by the same perpetrator, reviving the deep pain in our nation’s heart.
“Shame is best defined as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”
- Brené Brown
We all know nowadays that there have been studies of how, just as we inherit eye colour and our parent’s looks, we can also inherit trauma in our DNA. There has been genocide studies carried out on survivors which concludes that the generations followed by genocide survivors have inherited guilt, shame, fear and anxiety. This is where the transgenerational trauma and collective trauma weaves into the ancestral one. When something is overwhelming, we do not talk about it, instead we keep it in our hearts and tissues as trauma and pass it down to our children instead and muting our voice at the same time. This is played out in each family, in each generation, silently inherited. When a trauma is unresolved, it is constantly re-lived in our lives until we stop running away from it, facing it and begin the healing process. As a nation, we are tapping in to the same vibration of pain, wanting recognition and resolution.
We choose to come to this world with the intention of clearing all these traumas. That is what we all are doing here, as souls, we chose to be here at these times. But how does one heal trauma that has been transferred from one generation to another becoming more and more ingrained with each generation when the emotions are too intense?
As a result of the genocide my grandparents ended up in Beirut, where I was born. I had a happy childhood with a close knit family, summer times living in the countryside were the highlight of my life and having my older sister and my young aunt as my best friends, we were in our elements of happiness. Unfortunately, from the age of 8, darkness gradually began to engulf me as the country was surrounded by war scenes. I stopped seeing the beauty around me and prayed religiously, went into periods of dissociation and dreamed about a saviour. We all spoke the silent language of internalised pain. Have you noticed how the eye colour goes deeper when there’s depression and sorrow in the heart and gets lighter as you release those emotions after a good cry? When there’s dissociation, not being able to be aware of what, where, why am I feeling, I monitored my eye colour. We find ways of coping mechanisms, this was one of many for me.
As an adult, looking back, I could see how transgenerational trauma was very much present in my parents and grandparents lives, and how reliving the current version of what my ancestors lived has kept their trauma alive and evolved, so I grew up taking on their personalities and parenting skills. Recently, my younger sister and I also took on my father’s pain in his left shoulder, all these years we thought it was just work related but only when I had the frozen shoulder and delved deep into my discomfort that I realised it was generational trauma. It only began to heal after my awareness of it.
When trauma is unresolved we subconsciously end up seeking co-dependent relationships with the other seeking the same. We look for love outside of ourselves trying to heal the pain within, which was my experience getting married at the age of 21. We were both young with deep similar wounds.